This Will Give You The Courage To Take The Leap

AmieDicke

    Amie Dicke, All kinds of paper, Installation consisting of a selection of scraps of unused paper from the archive of Gisèle d’Ailly (1913 – 2013), detail at Foundation Castrum Peregini, Amsterdam 2014 (photo: Sander Tiedema) www.amiedicke.com

It’s about starting and trusting. That’s what every task, job, scary new path is about.

So here they are. The first couple of paragraphs for my new blog post. And it’s true: starting and trusting is what it takes. Starting to write my very first article in English. And trusting myself that I’ll find a way. No matter what doubts and fears might come up.

And yes, they are here. Big time. Of course they are. Doubts and fears will always be around. I don’t expect them to vanish magically from my life. But it’s up to me whether I let myself be led by them. Or whether I decide to show up fully and share what I love to share.

In English that is. Let that be clear.

I decide to take it step by step. Word by word. Pressing Enter now and then. And to just keep going. Knowing that in case of an emergency I can rescue myself by the Delete button. I also have the option to throw everything out of the window!

But I won’t. I simply won’t. Because I know that this is exactly what happens. Old, really old fears that I had hoped to have said goodbye to a very long time ago, do show their face again. Here’s what they sound like:

“Who the heck do you think you are? Mrs. Genius yourself? Why on earth are you changing to English? Any clients outside The Netherlands my dear? Don’t your clients all speak Dutch because they are Dutch? And isn’t that the language that you were born with in the first place and that you know in the core of your bones? So again, why on earth?”

Thankfully, me and the voices have gone through this before. Every time I do something that involves stepping up and showing myself more fully to the outside world, the voices come up. They think they are paying me great service, as they are desperately trying to protect me from getting hurt.

At this very instance, they don’t pay me any service at all. No threats that I am aware of. But if I would listen to their advice, I would stay home all day, hiding myself under the duvet. Without getting hurt probably. That’s true.

But also without living, learning, growing, having fun and feeling fulfilled, grateful and happy. That’s a pretty hefty price to pay. Too hefty.

Time for me to take charge of the situation again. I find a quiet place, sit down and acknowledge the voices. I know that that is all they need: they want to be heard and seen. Ignoring them as if they don’t exist doesn’t do the job. Welcoming and accepting them does.

Me: “Hello guys, here you are again. You are welcome. I do hear you what you are saying. And you probably have very good reason to say these things. However, I decide not to listen to your well-meant advice.’’

That last part is key: I don’t agree with the voices. I hear them, I give them my full attention and allow them to be exactly the way they are. But I don’t agree with them. I simply don’t.

I’m not arguing with them or trying to change them. They are there. And I am there as well. The voices are a part of me. But they are not me. Thank God they’re not.

I decide to go in another direction and take my next step.

Hitting the publish button. Done!

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