Ken Lum, Melly Shum Hates Her Job, 1990, corner Boomgaardstreet and Witte de Withstreet in Rotterdam. Image: wikipedia.

Maybe you have already admitted it to yourself: you don’t like your job. Or maybe you are more the Melly Shum type (from the artwork on one of the corners of the Witte de Withstreet in Rotterdam): you are still smiling, no matter how bad you feel about your work. And then -in a rare flash of total honesty with yourself- you realize you haven’t been happy for quite some time. And that you haven’t done a single thing to change this situation.

A little bit painful to admit? Painful it is. You’d rather perceive yourself as the one who always takes full responsibility for her own happiness and who takes appropriate action when things have gone off-track. We all prefer that image.

But sometimes we simply discover that we haven’t been able to take a stance for ourselves. That happens and it is ok.

You may want to recognize yourself right now as being brave enough to meet you where you are: not in a happy place. Even better: allowing for this possibly disturbing feeling to be here now -especially if you’ve been trying to hide this from yourself for a long time- might cause some kind of a shift in your body already. Can you sense any sort of relaxation? This is pure gain.

By now you probably wonder what exactly you’ve gotten yourself into. On the one hand you are feeling unhappy in your workplace but on the other hand you are not doing anything about it. Why is this?

In most cases, it boils down to one single thing: fear. And it comes in many shapes and forms. Fear of change in general. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being rejected – if only you’d try. Fear of being too successful (and visible -yikes, I don’t want to think about that). Fear of receiving too many goodies: ‘Something bad will happen after so much success. It just always does.’ Fear of losing what you have: ‘There won’t be another place where I will find these great benefits that grant me access to a housing loan.’ Fear of being a fraud: ‘Do I really know enough about that topic so that I can train other people in the field?’ Fear of what other people might think of you once you step up: your spouse, your friends, parents, colleagues. Fear of failure. Fear of.. you fill in the blank.

Sometimes fear shows itself in the most far-fetched ways. Something along these lines: ‘I’m not ready yet. The timing just isn’t right. Where do I find the time to figure out what I really want? If only I had married a husband who’d put some effort in the household. Everything is on my plate.’

Or maybe your inner dialogue sounds more like this: ‘The kids are still so young. First I need to make sure they are well on their way to primary school. And, more importantly, I’d have to lose weight. How will I ever feel confident in an interview with all these extra kilos on me? And I definitely need a new car. Can’t arrive at this outstanding company in that wreck of mine. On top of all that, it’s way too soon to make a move now. I’ve only been with this employer for two years. That doesn’t look very loyal, does it? My resume has more than enough unexplainable gaps already. Speaking of resumes, that’s going to be a hell of a job. I haven’t touched my LinkedIn profile for ages. And I don’t have enough recommendations. I’d have to get at least three more. Not sure from whom though. Oh no, I don’t dare to ask her. I haven’t been in touch with her for ages!’

Well look at this! What a useful inner dialogue with all sorts of stories that we tend to tell ourselves. Stories that justify us not taking any action whatsoever. You might have your own version. Possibly you don’t worry about your weight but about the financial implications of following your heart’s desire. Or about how it would be impossible to organize the family’s weekly schedule if you switch jobs.

Its effect, however, is the same: these stories trigger feelings of fear and worry in you. Feelings of not being good enough, not looking good enough, not having the right age, education, network or background to get yourself to your next level. They make you feel trapped.

Feeling fearful impedes taking appropriate action. If not dealt with properly, it might paralyze you. On top of that, fear itself and you trying to control it, takes up a lot of energy. You might have invented a strategy to respond to it: running away from it by keeping yourself extremely busy with all sorts of activities like excessive sports, TV, being very social or burying yourself in work. But this doesn’t work.

What does work, though, is you taking decisive action. Look at it this way: You are only one feeling away from creating a completely different life for yourself. I’m serious here. It’s the subversive stories and thoughts spinning around in your head that create the feelings of stress and fear, which as a result hinder you from moving forward, so you may want to start becoming more aware of your feelings and the thoughts that created them.

Here’s what you can do. Whenever you feel icky, unhappy, stressed, worried, in pain, or fearful, you catch yourself. You simply stop what you are doing, take a couple of breaths and feel into your body. Is there a specific area that demands your attention now? Go to that area with an open and inviting attitude. No need to be afraid. Check how the area feels and whether there are any stories, thoughts or memories attached. There’s no need to change anything. The feelings and thoughts can stay exactly the way they are, including the subversive ones. All you have to do is to acknowledge what’s there and to spend some time with it in an open, curious and compassionate way. This is how you allow the feeling to change into something new, into something better.

Now let’s turn to you. Do you know how fear shows its face in your life? What are the thoughts that trigger you? Maybe you are aware of your inner dialogue? I’d love to hear from you in the comment’s section. You will always get a reply.