Alt and Felix playing with miniature elevator by Maurizio Cattelan in Museum Voorlinden Wassenaar. Image: jeroenbosch.com
Yes, I knew I wanted to go on this trip about intercultural exchange to southern Senegal. I had never been to Senegal or the African continent and felt a curiosity and excitement to have this new experience. I definitely wanted to go.
But boy, it wasn’t easy to make the decision. Some well-outdated inhabitants of my mind tried very hard to keep me where I was. In this article, I share some of my aged beliefs around motherhood, about a need to spend my time and energy usefully and my work ethos. Three self-imposed rules that don’t serve me anymore. Here’s how they showed themselves. And how I broke them.
So yes, I wanted to go to Senegal. And there it was, the motherhood thing. This culturally determined belief about being a good mum to my two boys kicked in forcefully. Could I just leave them behind and ask my husband to take care of them all alone for all these days? On top of that, the trip was planned during the school vacation, which implies even more work.
So I started to negotiate with myself. Maybe I should take my oldest son Alt with me. Wouldn’t it make things easier for my husband at home? And would it not be cozy to travel with my child?
Looking back, this was a pretty insane idea. Taking a five-year-old on a trip with hours and hours on a boiling-hot bus, no other kids to play with and being part of a group of adults who want to have long conversations in French… If I were him, I would stay at home with my dad.
Then, when I at last checked with Jeroen what his preference was, he answered he’d rather have both boys at home. So far for my good motherhood intentions.
Here’s the second hiccup that needed some legitimation: I could only go to Senegal, if I made sure it would be a very useful trip. When I say useful, I mean very very useful. One which would enable me to learn a lot, that would tremendously serve my business. And of course my personal growth. I had been traveling for education purposes only during early parenthood. As long as I was obtaining degrees, there didn’t seem to be a problem.
Traveling for fun however was out of the question. Not within the rules of my universe.
So it took me well into my vacation in Senegal to realize that… I was on vacation. This was proper vacation! With plenty of time to swim in the ocean, drink freshly cut coconut juice, enjoy fabulous live music and dance till late hours in clubs to music from very bad sound systems. This was the good life. Pretty hilarious that I needed the cover-up of cultural exchange in order to make the trip sound ‘useful’ to my ears. And I recall trying to figure out how the trip would fit into my business development. I couldn’t come up with a convincing argument.
Do you know what? Hanging out, having fun, dancing to great music, ocean swimming and coconut drinking was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. These things offered plenty of justification in and by themselves. Pure enjoyment. No other goals to be accomplished.
Even better: activities that my mind considers to be ‘useful’ emerged completely naturally. Without me trying, pushing or wanting. This is what happened.
During the last weekend of my stay, I sensed I wanted to make a new episode of Carolien TV. Everything was in place: an inspiring guest, Antje ten Haaf, the founder of the Senegalese meeting center where I stayed. A great location – we could film under the palm trees in full daylight. And I even got a cameraman, as one of my fellow travelers, who happened to have worked as a filmmaker in the early years of her career, was willing to help me out.
So I spent Sunday morning preparing my interview questions and getting the technical details in place. In the afternoon we were good to go and recorded the interview. At five o’clock we were finished. There was still time left for a dive in the ocean.
I think I might finally get this. No more overdoing, no more pushing around. No more feelings of not taking enough action and no more justification of decisions that I know are right.
Yes to doing the things that ask for my response. And having a really good time doing them.
Good luck with all the decisions your are making this month. I’d love to hear what is working well for you and also the possible obstacles that you are encountering. You can share them in the comment’s section below. You’ll always get a reply.