‘As if nothing has changed over the last twenty years! I have grown older but am I not supposed to also be wiser by now?’ I was having a phone conversation with Elsa, a smart woman who had recently picked up some of her old journals from when she was in her early thirties. Only to find out that the issues that bothered her then, were the very same things that she is facing now she’s in her fifties.

I felt how painful this discovery was for her. And I sympathized with her. But I wasn’t surprised.

One thing I know for sure: it’s not about the job we’re in or the lover we are involved with. It is us that is the red thread in all of our stories. If we choose not to heal the parts in us that require our attention –yes this is a deliberate choice- we’ll run into painful situations over and over again.

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“Hi, I’m Carolien and I used to be a perfectionist. I haven’t given into perfectionist behavior over the last month.” If there was a group Perfectionists Anonymous, this is how I would have introduced myself.

As research professor Brene Brown has pointed out distinctly in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, perfectionism is an addiction. It’s a drug that people use in order not to have to feel shame or rejection. As a recovering perfectionist, I can totally relate.

I’m giving you the inside scope here. Of course, there are parts in me that would rather not to: “Are you insane? What will people think?!?.” But I also know that these parts aren’t my best advisors.

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Hey, this is strange. This always enthusiastic client of mine just walked out of the room but didn’t rave about the session we had just had. Maybe she felt she didn’t get enough out of it? How did I do? Have I possibly overlooked anything? I’ll make sure to do a better job when she comes back for her next session. Or even better, let me send her an email with some additional tips.

Ooops. Stop the tape. Let me pause here.

I realize I’ve just run straight into the rabbit hole called unworthiness. Of course it’s perfectly fine to send her an extra email, it will probably help her. However, in this case it is not. I only consider writing my client because she wasn’t as enthusiastic as she usually was which made me feel insecure.

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‘I don’t seem to be able to make a decision! I know I want to go to Siberia to train with this inspiring teacher, but I can’t get myself signing up for it. It’s driving me nuts.’ Me and Leisa, one of my fellow djembe students, were talking in the parking lot after class. It was obvious how making the decision weighed heavily on her. We talked a bit and then it occurred to me that what Leisa experienced is something that often happens to many of us. That is, if we don’t watch ourselves. Here’s what may occur:

When Leisa first learned about the trip she immediately had this sense of inner excitement. ‘Yeah, nature! I’ll be spending time in this really fabulous nature!’

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‘That was the very last lemon pie I baked for you!’ I remember thinking this to myself. Jeroen, my husband, had just dissed my homemade pie. In front of my recently acquainted in-laws and other family members. It was on Easter, quite a few years ago.

Besides the ‘I’ll never bake you a pie again’, there was some more internal discussion I entertained myself with at the Easter table. Here’s some of the rumbling:

‘Granted, the shape of the pie is all but perfect, it merely resembles an imploded parachute with one side off. The taste is yummy though!’

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Yes, I knew I wanted to go on this trip about intercultural exchange to southern Senegal. I had never been to Senegal or the African continent and felt a curiosity and excitement to have this new experience. I definitely wanted to go.

But boy, it wasn’t easy to make the decision. Some well-outdated inhabitants of my mind tried very hard to keep me where I was. In this article, I share some of my aged beliefs around motherhood, about a need to spend my time and energy usefully and my work ethos. Three self-imposed rules that don’t serve me anymore. Here’s how they showed themselves. And how I broke them.

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Do you ever hear yourself ever say: ‘But I don’t have the time! How on earth can I go after my personal goals and desires in order to create a happy professional life when I have barely time to breath? No thank you, no extra tasks for my chockful schedule.’

I know it. This voice can sound really true. So true that you might believe in it. Maybe you really think it’s impossible for you to start investing time and energy in pursuit of your own dreams and desires. You feel crammed with work, family duties and going to the vet with your daughter’s sick cat. The stress that accompanies this feeling does feel very real to you. And so does the exhaustion that comes with it.

However, you might also ask yourself these questions: ‘Is it true? Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I don’t have the time to work on my personal goals? Or is there a possibility that I made it up and it’s not more than a thought in my head?’

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