Happinez journalist Marja den Boer interviewed Carolien about her book ‘Als een luchtballon op een reuzenrad botst. Gids voor een betekenisvol leven’. Dutch only.
Your level of self-belief plays a major role when taking action towards your goals. Are you aware of the ways in which you might let yourself be robbed from it? Today’s post is about self-belief killer #3: other people’s opinions.
A little story
It was about six years ago and I had just made the transition into transformational coaching. After I had informed my network about this new step, a former sponsor contacted me to go for a coffee. Here’s what he said: ‘Carolien, no organization will want what you are offering.
Earlier this week, I wrote here about the major effect your level of self-belief has on your outcomes. As self-belief is such a game changer, I am diving into the tricky ways in which you might be undermining it. Today I get to speak about self-belief killer #2: an overall lack of trust.
Self-belief and trust aren’t the same
Firstly, let me point out the difference between self-belief and trust. Self-belief has to do with knowing that you can take on a certain task or try a new project and successfully complete it. Trust is a whole different ball game.
Self-love and self-acceptance often get mixed up. They are however two different things. Self-love has everything to do with taking really good care of yourself. You take your time to sleep and to relax. You take the time to connect with people who lift you up. You take the time to be with your loved ones. You nourish you.
Self-acceptance is about meeting yourself where you are right now. This is where you are. Yes, you do see your flaws and you also see your strengths.
Knowing You Are Enough. It was a short sentence that came up this morning while I enjoyed a stroll in the neighbourhood park. It almost sounded like the title of a new program. I mean, who doesn’t need to know that she is enough?!? For sure, I do. I bet you do too.
Knowing you are enough, feeling it, sensing it and living it can be quite a challenge. Most of us are programmed differently. Growing up, you might have received messages like these: you have to work really hard. Then you are allowed to rest and feel good about yourself. Don’t rest for too long though. By the way, what is the next challenging task that you will sink your teeth into?
Mental hygiene. Emotional balance. Spiritual connection. All these three areas have been at the focus of my attention over the last ten years. If you have been following this blog, you are well aware of this. Of course, I did pay attention to my physical well-being as well. I regularly exercised, spent time outside with the kids but it wasn’t on the top of my list. Recently, something has shifted though.
Focus on the body
It is now Sunday afternoon and I just enjoyed a fabulous lunch with a tuna steak avocado salad with some homemade mayonnaise.
Yesterday, I wrote here about the importance of self-belief when taking on a new project or task. As it is such an important part of our results, let’s dive into the factors that undermine self-belief. Today I start with my personal number one self-belief killer: self-judgement.
Self-judgement can be a tricky one: it may have already kicked into my system, before I realize it. I can only catch myself after it has already happened. I watch a woman on TV and my thought is: Hasn’t she put on some weight lately? Here I am, sitting on my couch, being critical of another woman’s appearance. Not so pretty. Time to allow myself to move from this culturally ingrained pattern in my mind and start to relate with her from my heart.
It is pretty simple. The difference between showing up and letting myself be distracted by random stuff, comes down to one thing: trust. Me trusting me means I do show up in order to do the work I am supposed to do. Me not being sure whether I will make it, makes it tough and messy.
Objections and complaints
Yesterday, I embarked on a 30-day blog challenge, I have committed to write one blogpost a day during the month of July. ‘Pardon me? You write one article per month, not one every freaking, single day!’ An inner dialogue of objections, complaints and 38 reasons why I will never succeed, unfolds. If I don’t watch myself, my last bit of self-belief will slip through my fingers.
Last week, I spoke with one of the participants in Transition Central. She had to get something off her chest: “Carolien, I have a kind of a funny question for you. Do you actually know that I am 63? Am I not too old for this group? By the way, I do hope that I know what your answer will be…”
Firstly, her remarks made me smile and then I burst out laughing. My laugh happened to be contagious and together we had a really good and long laugh. (Don’t you love those laughs?) This was exactly the response she had hoped for.
A way of life
After we got a hold of ourselves, I told her that I fully believe that doing your inner work so that you can share yourself fully, is a way of life.
What needs my attention right now? I have made a habit of checking in with my intuition quite a few times a day to get an answer to this very question. I stop myself, check within and listen to whatever I receive so that I can act accordingly.
It hasn’t always been this easy, however. I vividly remember making a big deal out of this intuition thing. When I first learned that I had an entirely different toolkit at my disposal to make my choices (aka by accessing my own body instead of endlessly weighing the pros and cons in my head) I only recognized the messages that came as thunderclaps with stars raining from heaven.